Archie and I are adapting to it being just the two of us.  When I’m gone, Archie misses Big Max the most.  He’s positively frantic when I get home and I can hear him yowling as soon as the garage door opens.  I haven’t decided if it’s separation anxiety or loneliness, but I know it wasn’t having a playmate because Max was 14 years old, so he spent most of his time sleeping or otherwise lazing about but he was definitely a calming presence on this household.  I miss his furry face.

I spend a lot of time sitting in this chair looking out the window at…  the breathtaking parking lot of the office building next door to my townhouse.  Don’t be hating on my scenic view.  If I were to move the chair to the other side of the sliding glass door I would have a glimpse of the mountains, a housing development, and the green space but then the chair would be awkwardly placed in the room and I would undoubtedly stub my toe 12 times a day.

Meanwhile, Archie’s new pastime is to survey the world through the balcony door because he is the ruler of this domain.  ha.  There are two coyotes that live in the green space.  (Urban coyotes are a thing.  Look it up!)  They drive him crazy.  I sometimes think they do it on purpose.  Like last night, they were running back and forth across the parking lot.  Archie was barking and running in circles.  I tried to tell him that if I let him out to play, they would treat him like a squeak toy.  They will lie in the grass and look up at the balcony when Archie barks.  They don’t move, mind you, they just give him the stink eye like, “SHUSH! Tasty snack.”

Today started as a down day.  I wish I understood depression better.  One minute I’m struggling but surviving out in the world.  The next I’m a big ball of snot and tears wasting my favorite time of year sleeping 22 hours a day.  And then I’m get a glimmer, or tiny seed of hope in my belly.  I guess it’s most like the growing of a plant.  It breaks through the earth, gets two leaves out…and BLAM!  Hail storm.  Or drought.  Whatever it is, it kills the damn sprout and we have to await the gestation of the next seedling; which hasn’t been planted yet.

What changed?  WHO KNOWS!?!  But today after I was done with my meditation (a new thing I’m trying), I realized that I am so effing tired of feeling like I want to fade into darkness (great Avicii song, btw).  Depression is exhausting.  It truly is.  More importantly, hibernating in the summer just goes against nature.  It goes against my core values.  I love the heat and the sun, and playing in the dirt, and all things sunshine!

Things to Ponder:  Blogging is kind of like journal therapy.  I’m here telling the world my thoughts which few are actually reading so really it’s just a journal.  It feels good to get some of this  out of my head.  I know most bloggers have a niche like baking, fashion, crafting or being basically awesome at everything.  I’m extraordinarily ordinary.  I have a master’s degree that I don’t use.  I have a job that I love but haven’t been to in weeks because being alive is too hard.  I’m a military brat who grew up and joined the Army.  I have a daughter – the best thing I ever did –  who will be 26 in two months;  which seems impossible since I just barely turned 30 myself. 🙂  I live alone with one dog, three dying plants and 137 boxes of crap that I haven’t opened in probably 10 years.

I exemplify dichotomy. I’m an anal-retentive slob – the insides of every cabinet and closet are supremely organized but I have a stack of mail that I’ve been adding to since January.  Actually Archie just knocked it over, so it’s technically not a stack anymore; it’s a pile. I appear to be confident and outgoing but really I’m awkward, insecure, and… a little bit fucked up.  People tell me I’m funny and fun to be around but I’m a sobbing cynic on the inside.

Sometimes I wish I was the person people thought I was.  I can’t tell you how many times friends and even casual acquaintances have told me that I have a soothing way about me.  I’m calming.  I have a good soul.  Uhm, ok…then why am I cerebrally frenetic and an otherwise anxious mass of mediocrity?

Possible Future Topics: Aging, loneliness, purging the crap, hitting the restart button on my life, to run or not to run and other fitness topics from the over 40, overweight perspective, internal motivation-fact or fiction, race relations, homeownership.  Who knows, maybe I will throw in a recipe or some scrapbooking to spice things up.  It’s getting crazy up in here!